Irish Joke of the day – Signs you’ve been in your Irish town too long
I thought this deserved re-posting but, unfortunately, I have no idea who wrote it originally. Reading it though, I’ll have to make one up for Athlone. Maybe next week . . .
SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN CORK TOO LONG
1. You say “I’m Grand, like” all the time.
2. You think Murphy’s is ‘savage’.
3. You think of Murphy’s as if it is the sixth food group.
4. You say “Are you Grand?” all the time.
5. You say “Tis grand, like?” all the time.
6. You say “That’d be grand, like” all the time.
7. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
8. You don’t eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes.
9. You say “Your man” followed by ‘boiy’ all the time.
10. You say “Your woman” followed by ‘boiy’ all the time.
11. You say “Tis grand that your man asked if i’m grand, like, boiy” all the time.
12. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone’s mammy.
13. You talk about ‘dinners’ and ‘mammys’.
SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG
1. You say ‘towen’ when you mean the city.
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over 4 euro for a pint.
3. Anyone not from Dublin is a ‘wanker’.
4. Anyone from north of the Liffey is a ‘Northside wanker’.
5. You have no idea where Ballydehob is.
6. You see a member of Westlife on Grafton Street and find it hard to get excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous.
8. Somebody speaks to you on the DART and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You can’t remember the last time you got up to 30mph in your car in ‘towen’.
SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN LIMERICK TOO LONG
1. You have an uncontrollable urge to steal.
2. You keep going on about how great Limerick and Garryowen are.
3. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
4. You start to cry when you hear ‘Beautiful Munster’.
5. You think anyone from Limerick has a great sense of humour.
6. You think everyone’s heard of Barry Foley.
7. You think Dubliners are ‘soft east coast ashey pets’ … until they kick your head in at rugby.
8. You deny that it rains all the time … as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN MONAGHAN TOO LONG
1. You say ‘Sir’ all the time(“Howsa goan thur Sir”).
2. You say ‘shite’ all the time.
3. You say ‘aye’ all the time.
4. You end sentences with ‘Hiagh’.
5. You think McArdles Ale is great, ignoring the fact it ‘tastes of shite’.
6. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
7. You punch everybody you meet.
8. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
9. You are incomprehensible when you speak while trying to punch everyone you meet.
10. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
11. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words ‘Monarchy’ or ‘England’.
SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN GALWAY TOO LONG
1. You say “Howsa’ goin” all the time.
2. You can’t remember a weekend when a friend from Dublin or Cork wasn’t sleeping on your couch.
3. When you meet someone on Tuesday afternoon you tell them you haven’t been out in ages, then remember that you were chatting to that same person last night in the Quays.
4. You agree with all taxi drivers on all subjects – why bother getting thick.
5. Unless the taxi driver is from Mayo.
6. Unless, like half the population living in Galway, you’re from Mayo.
7. When you say you live in Galway, people immediately smile and tell you about their wild weekend in Salthill when they were 16. You nod enthusiastically about the same venue, despite the fact that you were never there.
8. You think that it’s perfectly normal to have six buskers (including an Ethopian bagpipe player), eight street entertainers, 19 Romanian beggers, a krusty holding some bailing twine tied to a raggedy dog telling fortunes and four separate roadworks all on the one street.
SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN WICKLOW TOO LONG
1. You’re still there.